Kerro vitsi

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Laitetaampa tällänen 

Miksi blondi palautti WC-harjan kauppaan?

-Hänen mielestään oli kuitenkin kivempi käyttää paperia.

Wanhoja, mutta ah, niin hauskoja:

 I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and
 I've been having some problems lately.

 I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0
 forever as my primary application and all the GirlFriend
 releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that
 DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend runs an emulation
 program and the sound is turned off. Unfortunately, the
 DrinkingBuddies emulation for GirlFriend never seems to work
 and I'm embarrassed to say that I can't find the switch to turn
 the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay.

 I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought
 I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. But after
 months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend
 who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably
 didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0 and eventually
 it would require a token ring to run properly. He was right - as
 soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

 Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the
 bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I booted up
 it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system
 and shut down for awhile.

 I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used
 a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program.
 It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0
 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 with
 GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature
 I didn't know about which automatically senses the presence of
 any other version of GirlFriend and uninstalls itself then shuts
 the system down.

 The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
 problems. Like all the versions of GirlFriend, it is written
 in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less
 reprogram. Also to get the best results with your hardware, you
 usually have to use gold-plated contacts. Also I've never liked
 how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented".

 A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
 GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
 of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within
 a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after
 that he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge
 resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load
 anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with
 Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus, particularly
 the new plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must
 be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it,
 Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature
 which he can't turn off.

 I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard that =
 you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will
 delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress
 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

 I hear the next big thing is thin clients which are reminiscent of
 the old dumb terminals. They are supposed to offer better output,
 they're lessexpensive and best of all, you use them with your TV.

Ja toinen:

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

•A "Don't remind me again" button
•Minimize button
•Shutdown feature
•An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and boy did I have conflicts! Then I tried to uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program.

I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks -- in all versions of Girlfriend that I've seen is that it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

********  BUG WARNING  ********

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Eikä tähänkään loppunut:

 Watch out when upgrading !!!
  Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and
 found that  it's a memory leaves very little system resources for other
 applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
 Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No
 mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
 brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
  this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only
 that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at System
  initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's
 finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5,
 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all,
 crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine
 before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no Option as to the
 installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and
 BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish
 with each passing day.
 Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0.
   ---     A "Don't remind me again" button
   ---     Minimize button
   ---     An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed
 with the Option to  uninstall at anytime  without the loss of cache and
 other system resources.
   ---     An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which
 would allow the  systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
 I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many
 problems.  Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of
 Girlfriend 1.0.  You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users
 say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of.
 Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of
 the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.
 To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't
 work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the
 system. Another thing that sucks is that all versions of Girlfriend
 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of
 upgrading to Wife 1.0:
  *****   BUG WARNING ********
  Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
 doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
 claiming insufficient resources.
  *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ***************
  To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
 system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.
 Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to
 carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run
 Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again,
 beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the
 The only thing I would add to this is that if you search carefully, you
 can find one of the extremely rare Mistress versions, which knows
 that Wife applications are running with priority, and which runs under
 cloaking, with no interest or attempts to upgrade itself to a Wife

           v*T(delta) + m^2 * k
     l = -----------------------
                A^2 * p * t
Oheisella kaavalla voi laskea mikä on maksimirange (=matka) kämpälle baarista laskettuna jottei kuumaksi lämmitetty partneri ehdi jäähtyä matkalla. Kaava olettaa ettei kuljetukseen käytetä taksia ja että ilman suhteellinen kosteus noudattaa rannikko-olosuhteita.
    l =maksimi range baarista kämpälle (tai muuhun vastaavaan tilaan)
    v =kävelynopeusvakio (=5 km/h for average person)
    T(delta) =lämpötilan muutos (=kuinka kuumaksi partneri lämmitettiin suhteessa alkulämpöön)
    m =lämmitettävä massa (=partnerin paino)
    A =johtumispinta-ala (=voi laskea partnerin tilavuudesta ja  painosta)
    t =ulkoilman keskilämpötila
    p =promillemäärä (=kuinka kauniiksi/komeaksi partneri on juotu)
    k =kosminenvakio (=4.71 jos kosmos laajenee ikuisesti. Muutoin 2.28)
    Kiintoisia huomioita:
    1) Massan kasvaessa range pitenee koska jäähtyminen vie  kauemmin. Tosin vastaavasti myös lämmitysaika voi pidentyä.
Keskity siis aina mahdollisimman painaviin partnereihin. Tämä selittää myös, miksi  kauniit/hoikat/komeat/atleetit ovat lähes mahdottomia.
    2) Pinta-alan kasvaessa range lyhenee. Etsi siis pyöreän muotoisia seuralaisia. Vältä pitkiä ja hoikkia ellei kämppä ole aivan naapurissa.
    3) Johtamalla yhtälö tekijän T(delta) suhteen voidaan kätevästi laskea kuinka paljon lämmitystä partneri tarvii.
    4) lisäämällä ylimääräinen tekijä Rmax (=rumuusfaktori) voidaan laskea tarvittava promillemäärä partnerin kauniiksi/komeaksi juomiseen.
    Joo, ja edellisen kaavan rumuusfaktorin laskentakaava on tässä:
                                      U = S - L
     Jossa:     L = (P x a) Ts / Tr x Wi
     U  = Ugly bird factor (kumppanisi ulkonäkö seuraavana aamuna)
     S  = Sober attraction factor (kumppanisi ulkonäkö selvin päin, ks. texti alla)
     L  = Downward shift of Standards (tason lasku kännissä)
     P  = Pints consumed (Oluiden lukumäärä)
     a  = Strength of lager (Oluen laatu, ks. alla)
     Ts  = Time since last shag (aika siitä kun sait viimeksi, kuukausia)
     Tr  = Time remaining at establishment (aikaa ravintolan  sulkemiseen, tunteja)
     Wi  = Number of witnesses present (todistajien lukumäärä)
     Kerrointaulutaulu muuttujalle (a)
Keppanapullo  = 0.5
Keppanatuoppi  = 1
A-tuoppi   = 1.5
IV B -pullo  = 2.0

Ennenkuin aloitat, pitää sinun päättää, minkä näköinen on keskiverto kaatosi selvinpäin olisi (S),  asteikolla 1-15, jossa 1 on susiruma ja 15 Janina Frostell/George Clooney.

Kaavan tulos (L) vähennetään selvinpäin arviostasi (S), jotta saadaan samalla 1-15-asteikolla arvio kumppanisi ulkonäöstä seuraavana aamuna (U).

2r x Pii K/ Ccn

M N / C = Q/ a


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